Connecting to Your Partner When Everything Feels Distant

In their 40-plus years of marriage research, the Gottman's discovered that couples on average talk to each other for a mere few minutes weekly, and often, only about logistics. 

Maybe that is your experience. You and your partner connect, but it's about when to pick up the kids and what time the dentist appointment is, and what are we having for dinner tonight? And all the while, you're feeling more and more distant and lonely in your relationship. 

Insert the Gottman's Magic Five and a Half Hours per Week. The masters of relationship restructure their time each week to do the following things for about this amount of time. 

1. Partings. Total: 10 minutes. Two minutes a day for each of the 5 work days. How do you and your partner say goodbye to each other? Can you learn something interesting about what they will be doing that day? Prescription: 6-second kiss. 
2. Reunions. Total: 1 hour 40 minutes. Dedicate 20 minutes when you reunite so that you can each share with each other for 10 minutes. A bunch of kids running around? Me too. Teach the kids about the priority of your relationship by modeling, it's good for them. Touch each other, actively listen to each other, give support. 
3. Admiration and Appreciation. Total: 35 minutes. Five minutes a day. Find a way to communicate genuine and specific gratitude for your partner. What you look for, you will find. 
4. Affection. Total: 35 minutes. Five minutes a day. Play!! Kiss, hold, touch, grab. Ladies, I know there is so much on your mind all the time. Be intentional to get yourself into a frame of mind that makes affection possible. 
5. Date Night. Total: 2 hours. You don't have to go out. You don't have to spend a lot of money. If you can, do. If you can't, grab a board game and a glass of wine after the kids go to bed. The point is to approach each other with curiosity and an anticipation for fun. Get really good at asking your partner questions. You're infinitely complex human beings; no matter how long you've been together, make it your mission to discover something new.

Maybe you and your partner can pick ONE to begin practicing this week. Let me know how it goes.